"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

Escaping a Domestic Violence situation i found myself pregnant broke and alone. it was one of the worst situations i could find myself in and all i could do was cry. i cried all day wondering where he was, if he was out of jail, if he knew i was pregnant??? i cried all night... waking from nightmares of him coming back for me. i was so scared. and now a baby. a little life part of me and part of him. what would he do if he found out? would he hurt me? take the baby in the night? kill me like those horror stories in the news? would he try for rights and get to visit it? what if he snapped on a visit and hurt it? what if i never got my baby back? do i want this baby?

of course i could never get rid of my own child. this is my baby. this baby is going to be the love of my life. i could never have an abortion or give this baby up. i made up my mind with no question. but i still couldn't stop crying.

when i went to the doctor to be tested they put me on Zoloft. they told me that stress like this would hurt me and the baby. they said this will stop the tears and the ache. they promised me hope... and in time... i felt better. i felt nothing. no emotion at all. i had no opinion, no emotion, no connection to my child, nothing. i knew it wasn't the best situation... but it was better then the fear i live in. and after all... its safe to take during pregnancy right? my doctor said so... of course with numb feeling on the matter i just had to trust it. maybe that was a mistake...

at my 18 week check up to find out the sex of my baby and a full check to make sure all is well in baby land... i was excited to hear the happy news... hoping that this would be that emotional connection i was waiting for. when the sonogram way over i was told to wait in a room to consult with the doctor. when he came in he told me that i had a healthy baby girl growing inside me ( as i had thought) but that he "thinks" he sees a cleft lip but that they didn't get a good picture of her face. he wanted me to follow up in a month to be sure. WHAT? A CLEFT LIP? AND YOU'RE NOT SURE?!!! well of course this doctor was just an idiot... he just wanted more money for another visit... i was not going back to him. so i changed high risk doctors and at 26weeks it was confirmed... not just a Cleft lip... but a bilateral cleft lip and palate. well that was it... the news that brought the tears back and gave me that emotional connection. i had grown up being different and cast out as the coodie girl as a child... and now my daughter was going to have to go through it wearing her disability on her face...

so that day i go pick up my refill at the pharmacy and the guy says to me " did you know this drug causes birth defects?" WHAT? YOU TELL ME THIS NOW? AFTER ALL THIS TIME?!!! so i cried... and i stopped the medication. and i cried more. and then i accepted it. this is my baby and it will all be ok.