Hope for all of us

I didn't know anything about Clefts before I was pregnant with Dani. when I found out at 18 weeks pregnant that I could have a cleft child I was so upset and hopeless. Wondered what I did wrong and if my genetics were to blame. I sought out answers online only to find... there are none. There is no sure answer as to why our baby's are born cleft. There was nothing I or anyone else could do to fix this, to change what I feared... and I later found out that it isn't something that needs to be changed. My daughter is not and has never been broken. She is the biggest blessing of my life and God knew to give the right baby to the right mommy. Each one of us Cleft Mommy's are blessed with not only little angels... but with a life lesson that not all parents are blessed enough to have. Struggles in life are not here to harm us... but to teach us. To make each one of us stronger and to teach what no school can. Being different isn't a curse but an opportunity to be special. To overcome the obstacles and stand out in the crowd as a star to shine through it all. Those who have never seen a Cleft child look at Dani with fear. Fear of the unknown can consume closed minded people... but for those with an open mind... they look at her and see hope... not just for Dani to triumph over her struggles and still come out smiling as she always does... but hope that if she can do it... if she can overcome this at such a young age... maybe we as adults can overcome our issues, both big and small.  I wasn't the only person to learn from Dani.... I was merely the first.

Spoiled Child

I'm realizing that my OCD has fixated its self on spoiling my daughter. no joke. every cent i make i turn it around and get her something... whatever isn't spent on bills that is. its come to the point that i have no idea what id do for her birthday next year since she already has everything. kinda takes the specialness out of holidays :/ i mean it normally doesn't cost anything since I've started selling toys online... i just get rid of the old and upgrade with new, and sometimes just buy things to sell them with the intent of getting her something expensive. its been working well so far... aside from having way to many toys... but it would be nice to have a profit... or do something for myself... is it weird that i want her to have everything? maybe subconsciously I'm compensation for the lack of a father or maybe to distract from the struggles she had endured so young... remember how i felt as a child... the depressions and the comfort i found in my toys (barbies were the best) oh how i cant wait for her to get into barbies!!  in a way i am doing it for myself ... because i enjoy it and it makes me feel good that she enjoys things. i mean i used to hate Dora the Explorer!! i mean hate with a passion.. such an annoying show... well not anymore! Dora is Danika's favorite!! and if she loves her so do i... we have 2 Dora kitchens and 6 Dora dollhouses by the way... yeah i already know... i don't need to hear it... I'm nuts. but as soon as i have a car up and running here in the next few weeks... i will be unloading a LOT online... just hard to sell out of state with no way to get to the post office :) anyway... like i said.. my OCD is getting to me and it even keeps me up at night. recently bought a kitchen set i thought was amazing!!!

got it from Dinodirect.com... DON'T EVER BUY FROM THEM!!!! OMG it was the size of a box of tampons! i use that reference to show just how disgusted i am at them! still fighting for a refund... thank the LORD they only shipped half of it or id really be out a lot! NEVER AGAIN will i order anything from another country! but it has honestly made me depressed. i feel i have let this toy fixation consume me through cabin fever... and its time to get out of not only my house... but my head!! so thanks to my handy credit card points Ive been saving for 5 years!!! Danika and i will finally get to have a vacation.... booked the flight ( had to before she turned 2yrs old... no way in  hell I'm buying a 2nd ticket for her) wont get another vacation for a long time so going to make the most of it anyway i can. Oh i cant wait!! 2 weeks in the mountains with crisp air vs this nasty humidity! not only that but i get to see one of my best friends and have some much needed girl time... and i cant buy toys since the airline is super strict about weight limits on bags and I'm not paying the overweight fee! ... i sense a joke somewhere in that sentence but ill move on :) lol. the point of my ramble is really just because I'm noticing Danika throwing more tantrums... I'm aware its the age... but she doesn't like being told no AT ALL... i say "no ma'am"  she says NO and precedes to bang her head into the wall or the tile! I'm really worried about it. it started with her just slapping herself in the head but now its moved past that! i don't know where on earth she gets it from. with each bang of the head she says ouch over and over and does the bottom lip quiver and turns beat red and screams her words violently. her Biological father is bi-polar and i worry sometimes it may have been passed on. she has always been such a happy care free child. always smiling... and still is but the second you say NO... oh man! just spent 5 hours building the replacement kitchen set i had to get her after China f'd up...

it came out super cute and she loves it!!! but i almost lost my mind between the time spent building this thing and the interruptions i had from her trying to play with it as i was building it. id say NO and she'd scream, head bang, hit me, hit herself, step on my feet, pinch me, climb on me to keep me from doing what i was doing... and then steal my cell phone! ha this kid is something else. i don't know where most of this comes from... i mean she bites me for fun... but she also wants me to bite her! lol... little freak of mine. and i know she got the ouch from me... every time she hurts me which tends to be daily i say Ouch" don't hurt mommy... and she then starts the lip quiver and begins to punish herself.  is it too early for a mental health plan? God i love this kid! even though shes a nut like her momma! alrighty... time for bed... I'm wore out... maybe ill dream of vacation instead of toys :) hears hoping**

life distracts

when i created this blog it was to spread Cleft awareness and to give expecting moms out there some hope that Cleft baby's can not only be blessings just like every other child... but to show how they can thrive! I remember looking up Clefts online when i was 18 weeks pregnant and had first found out about Danika's cleft.. i was so scared of what i saw and had no understanding of it. i found myself crying everyday and i soon found hope in other blogs from those who had gone through this before me... and it opened my eyes. My daughter has had struggles but always came out smiling. she brings joy to everyone around her... and when i started i wanted to report every step of our journey... i feel like the reason i haven't kept up as much lately is because she is just doing so well! we had issues with ear infections for a long time and even scheduled  ear tube surgery however it was cancelled because her ear miraculously cleared up on there own! we may discuss tubes again in the future depending on how things go.. but i strongly believe prayer works magic. and God has been there every step of the way for us, giving us strength and guidance and straight up miracles. we have found friends and created online families of cleft children. support is everywhere and it makes me so happy that she will never have to feel alone. i myself was born with a non-genetic birth defect and my childhood was miserable. i didn't have anyone who was going through the same things as I was. I was out casted at such a young age and it lead me into depressions and binge eating disorders and obesity. it made me strong and an over all better person and i know that Danika will be just as strong. God gave her to me because he knew i could handle it and give her what i never had... understanding. It amazed me how many baby's were born with clefts and how unbelievably common it is. Famous people have clefts and you;d never no it. Dr's do amazing jobs with these children and I'm so grateful for how far we have all come.

Danika is now 15 months old. She has been walking since she was 13months only sightly delayed from her surgeries and developing right on schedule! she speaks very well (better then any Dr expected). she is finally using a sippy cup, she loves Dora the Explorer!! she has manners and is just so much fun. she even punished her self every time i say NO :) i swear i couldn't have had a better child. no on the down side she likes to eat dog food and play in the toilet... but hey... what toddler doesn't? lol

I'm not sure how often i will keep my posts up... but try is all i can do :) I'm just enjoying ever min i spend with my baby :)

Bad Blogger!

I know I know I'm a Bad Blogger! I never write anymore... but what can I say? I've been raising my beautiful daughter who has been changing so much everyday! And sad to say has been sick so much since December when I posted last The Dr's had warned me about this and that is may happen with Danika.but I was praying she would be ok since her palate was not cleft.... however the sinus infections have been repeating themselves and turning into chronic ear infections and an up and down fever. She would be on antibiotics for a week and be fine a week and get it right back. Even I myself got it and I truly believe God wanted me to understand her pain because I haven't had an ear infection like that in years! Thankfully I was able to beat it however Danika has recently gotten worse and antibiotics are not working. We are on a last resort medicine and it seems to be helping and her fever in finally lingering at a low grade vs the 103.5* she's been up and down with. It's scary seeing her so out of it when her fever is up. I just want her to be well. We have a specialist apt with an ENT in a couple weeks... until then she is just trying to fight this off. She is still my happy baby though :) Who by the way just had a Birthday!!

My Baby isn't a baby anymore... shes now a toddler! walking behind a push cart and on her way to Independence. She is changing right before my eyes. We have the cutest conversations of babble and random words... but she is getting it! she gives kisses and says I love you. she is trying tons of new foods and making friends everywhere we go! I cant wait to see what tomorrow holds :)

Long overdue for a post



well I havent posted in a while... ive been so busy. so lets bring everything up to date...

Danika's surgery went great! she was out in a day and back to her smiling self :) no issues with the hospital this time. to everyone who has Danika in prayers, Thank you.

 She heals so fast and is such a happy kid. her lip is looking so much better.  we will still have to have a retouch in a year or so but shes looking good! tell me thats not the best smile in the entire world! proud mommy momment.

With Thanksgivng past and Christmas coming up I cant help but thank God for all the Blessings he has given us . I remember last year being pregnant and being so scared and depressed over what i thought was a curse . Today was our first get together with other Celft children and their families. We made a few new friends including a beautiful young girl who just gave birth 2 months ago to a baby girl with a cleft lip and palate . Now Danika isnt the youngest in the area :) She asked me how i felt when i found out and if i wanted to hide Danika's face from people when she was born... at that moment i had to hold back tears. I had felt that way and wondered about it when i was pregnant... i search the internet looking for answers and hope. I told myself i would never have more children in fear that they all may be born with Clefts. as things stand there is no real answer as to why these children are born this way. But the second i got to hold my little angel in my arms all i wanted to do was show her off to the world. this little miricle that was part of me . The reason I started this blog was not only to keep friends and family updated on progress... but it was ment to help other moms and moms to be... women who are going through what i have and need advice and guidance . Cleft or not... these are our babys . our heart and soul . the love of our lives . the best part of us . they are not something to hide and be asshamed of . If i can can get reach to one person through this all... then its all worth it.

On a happy note... here are our Christmas pictures. I think they came out Fantastic!





I am also happy to say that Dani has been crawling for a few weeks now. Girl is fast! lol she is also very good in her walker and can round corners like nothing! She is babbling all the time and also says "I Love you Mama" warms my heart everytime! she just makes me so happy. she also has cut 2 teeth and has been enjoying finger foods like bread and mum-mum cookies and little bits of meat and fruit cups and whatever else she is able to chew :)

Bella and Dani love each other



stole my slipper right off my foot!




P.S. she also Loves Santa!

The Next Step Begins

its been a while... Ive been focused on other tasks. before anything else let me say Danika goes into surgery in a few hours.

to catch up she has been very interested in learning how to crawl. she babbles and sucks her lip. she now can move her self out of a crawl position into a sitting position all on her own and is up on her knees more and more.... well she still cant go forward but she does this thing where she scoots backwards all the way down and spins a U Turn to come back. crafty to get what she wants =) my smart kid (proud mommy moment)

It makes me sad that she is going to be bound up in arm braces aka NoNo's... she almost has crawling down and now we have to take it away. well anyway... here are some random pics to bring everything up to date =) pics are the best part anyway right ? :



look mom no hands :) 




Sick Face




We were both sick with a cold ad Dani had a double ear infection. the Dr gave her meds and everything is now good to go for surgery



 we got the ok from Danika's Dr she is good to go. time to sleep a little before its too late. Surgery in a few hours. Prayers everyone!

Ok I'm going to end with something random... this may sound a bit "Hippie" and so be it... i don't know who believes in the power of energy and spiritual experiences... signs and gut feelings... anyway this point... I've been feeling a lot of emotions around death and pregnancy. i havent been able to eat all day feeling sick to my stomach at times. in a way it makes sense because life and death go hand in hand. I'm not sure what it means but years ago i was very on point with these things and its all random. some may say womens intuition. so my question to my self is who? someone is either pregnant or passing... at least my gut is saying so.

P.S. for all who think I'm crazy... i don't care ;)

time for bed... Lord bless the hands of Danika's Surgeon. May his vision be clear and let his hand be still. No more scars on eyebrows. Let him love my child and not let pride keep him from doing what is best for my child. Amen