Sleep Please?

Something i am learning as a mother: you must get at least 30min of "me" time each day... or else... you WILL lose your mind... and get a headache.

We have had a long few days. I have been meaning to write for days about everything that has been going on...like the other day when i got to taste my own breast milk (via Danika's barf when i was kissing her), or about the endless search for a home... but i have been so busy and soooo tired!

Well to sum it up... there is not much to rent in this town. on the bright side we did go apply for public housing assistance and found out that section 8 opened the waiting list for like a day... and we got on! yey!   now we just have to wait the rest of our lives to get it... :/

but really... i know god has a plan for us.
I believe that when times get so hard you cant bare it... and you start to ask "why?" its all for the best.
most would cry and hate the world for coming down so hard on them. and in ways i think everyone does... even me for a bit... but everything happens for a reason... to grow, to learn, to become a better person, the person you are meant to be... and in some cases you may have a path you are choosing for yourself and god has a better plan in mind... sometimes we cant see the signs... so god has to beat us down to the point where we have no other options to chose for our self and we have to follow his lead and just trust that through all the hardship... god will bring us out of it safe and where we need to be. Faith is a struggle... but if kept... will lead you home. I want to be home.

in other news we went to the flee market the other day and found Danika a "winnie the pooh" crib projector for $1... I'm such a good shopper :) then we went for a walk and stopped in a store and sat in a massage chair that almost broke me in half! I'm not friggin kiddin... i had to scream for someone to let me out. it trapped my arms and feet and left me helpless! God forbid I get taken from this world by a massage chair.

Today we were going to look at a townhouse. as we were on the way there i got the call that the lady didn't have the key... so we had to reschedule for tomorrow. so as I'm turning around my mother tells me to cruise around for a min and we stumble upon another townhouse that we were interested in online but was $50 more a month then our budget... well we took it as a sign and called them up and checked it out. this place has 3 master bedrooms! that's right... i said 3! small living space but it was very nice and it has a nice deck and was a corner unit. i really want a house but we have to find something in our range and I'm letting the universe lead this time. tomorrow we get to see the place we didn't get to see today... wish us luck :)

now time to feed the baby and get some much needed rest.

Word to the Wise:

Fenugreek makes you sick if you don't follow the directions for use. 

the word Duh comes to mind... but I'm being serious.

the thing is that my last bottle was another brand and says take 1 or 2 once daily with food. and the old brand said take 1 or 2 three times daily and said nothing about food. they're the same mg so i just kept taking 2 three times a day which had worked before.

well i got really sick at about 5:30 this morning. I'll leave out the gory details... lets just say i exploded... for an hour... and i noticed that my stomach was a lot more full then i had thought.

at least Danika slept through it. she was full from the bottle i gave her last night since i was dried up. and today I was very full and now so is she... Time to start pumping.

The Watch Cat

We drove around looking at houses today. unfortunately i didn't get to go in any. i cant believe no realtor is open on the weekend. its some crap really... i mean, that's when most people would be off work wanting to look right? was going to see a place i wanted and it got rented while i was driving there :( no joke.
we went to ruby Tuesdays with my mom and Danika... she finally let me eat... we just had to feed her a full 4ounce bottle before ordering.... oh wait...

The point:
so we were driving around all these random dead end blocks looking for rent signs. and we find one that ends at a no "trespassing" sign, and a very large house cat comes darting down the yard straight for us. i manage to pull the car around and look back at the cat that had stopped at the end of the drive way and stared us down...

I said to mom, "wow... I've never seen a ""Watch Cat"" before.

Cranky Baby

Danika has been cranky all day. She fuses over her feedings and all day I'm feeling like I'm not producing enough. so i gave her  bottle and she chugged it down. time to start pumping again. i hate pumping. she seems to eat well when I'm full but doesn't have the sucking strength to keep up production and after about a week of not pumping i start to dry up. i really want to keep breast feeding. its just so hard. but i will do what ever i need to to make a healthy baby. its all about her now.  I also ran out of Fenugreek. time to re-up tomorrow. it seems to really helps production.

On  a happier note... Dani laid on her own for 20min today on her play mat. she never seemed to like it but today she was very alert and content with it. I cant wait until she starts liking toys... or laughing... i want to hear her laugh. I just love watching her grow.

Moving on...

now that i have done my best to sum up the past year, I'd like to try and keep a daily update.

Today:

well today i went to meet with a wonderful agency for homeless prevention. you see i cant afford to move at this time and my land lord didn't seem to care about that or that fact that my daughter needs surgery next month. i love how cruel my luck is...

still everything happens for a reason... and we get stronger on the way.

anyway... thank god for this agency who came through and is going to pay to get us in a new place.
my unemployment appeal was won and now i just want to be home already... so i have been calling places to look at. need to actually get paid before i can be sure what to afford. i hate this situation... but I'm looking for the light

when Dani smiles

 

let me just say... i love this kid

come on... how could you not? :)

so i haven't mentioned Danika's love for fake plants. its just the cutest thing. she smiles big every time she sees one. i moved one above her cradle. sometimes ill wake up ans see her... already awake... looking up... kicking and smiling in joy. she also like it when i pretend her face is a phone keypad... it all started with a boop on her nose for being cute. which after the first smile needed a double boop on the cheeks :) she loves it.

whats really funny is when you gentle blow in her face or when its windy out. every time its such a huge expression of shock... oh.. its so cute. i know I'm not the only one who thinks so... man... moms are dorky huh?

Planning the surgery

we met with her surgeon and he was just mean to us. everyone says he just has bad bedside manner... but that his work is great. but i cant get over how i left his office in tears. he crushed our hope and put us down and talked down to us and never offered sympathy or guidance. i had to bite my tongue... i couldn't stand the idea that this man is my daughters only hope for normalcy.

sometimes things happen just to make you stronger for whats yet to come. i believe that. because spite the hard past... the current crazy ex... the pregnancy... the cleft... the Edema... the c-section complications... and the surgeon. there is also the getting fired for needing rest during pregnancy issue... the lose of income and the need for financial assistance, using credit to get by, donations to furnish her room, hoarding the little cash i has for rent and slowly paying off my credit card that allowed me to pay the other bills... and now... i get an eviction notice.  not because i was ever late on my rent... but because the owners want the house back.

and Dankia is supposed to have surgery next month... where are we gonna go?
she will never get to enjoy her pretty room i worked so hard on.

weight gain, milk production, stress

She's supposed to gain an ounce a day. she is supposed to be back to her birth weight by 2 weeks old.

well not my baby. she gains when she wants to. 4 ounces in 2 weeks... or 10 ounces in 5 days.

of course that doesn't mean I'm not going to stress over it anyway. it was all i could do. i wanted to make sure that she was getting enough and wondering what i was doing wrong. my pediatrician says she is fine and healthy and on track even if its lower. but the cleft team kept telling these horror stories about getting your baby taken away if they don't gain weight.

of course its not all like that but I'm not going to take it lightly when someone says that. so i got a pump... then got a professional loaner pump... so all i can do is stress and pump and take fenugreek and reglen and pump more. and it seems like my milk is up and she eats so much... but then another plato.. so at this point i just cant stress it anymore. i have realized to just listen to the Dr and relax. i just want her to be healthy and happy. and she is :)

Fear and Betrayal

something i didn't mention. about my ex... the one that snapped and tried to kill me. well he apparently was wanted and fled another state for felony charges. he was the sweet family man type that talked about a future.. ever see the movie Stepfather"?. well he apparently knew i was pregnant before he hit me. i found out when he broke the order to email me over and over. he knew i was pregnant. then confirmed it through someone i used to know. he also confirmed her name and other information when she was born that his source's where telling him. he stalked my FB profile for pictures.

Its scary knowing he is out there.
Its scarier not knowing who you can trust.

"Danika Jade... my heart" p.s. C-Sections Suck...

I was so angry and overwhelmed and the  pain from the surgery was like being hit by a car. i couldn't sneeze, move, roll over, cough, laugh or even use the "Powder Room". I was miserable. but when this magical baby was put into my arms... everything was perfect. I was overwhelmed with love for this little baby... my baby... so small. perfect. her cleft really wasn't that bad. she was so beautiful.

The nurse told me her palate wasn't cleft. I couldn't believe it. i had prayed for her palate to not be harmed so that she could feed. i had researched it over and over while i was pregnant. i knew they saw the cleft in the sonogram and i was accepting of it. while they told me they where 100% sure that her palate was cleft... since i couldn't see that part... i held out hope. well... sure enough... her palate was fine. Tears came to my eyes... she was even able to breast feed. i was so blessed.

I just stared at her.
she has blue eyes? maybe? i don't know... they're kinda dark? but blue right? maybe green? is there yellow in there? don't think so... i guess she wont have my eyes...
she has his scull... least she wont have my big head.
she has my big hands and feet... on no.. my feet.   p.s i wear a 12" :/
she has my nose... but his nose was like my nose in ways...
who's lips does she have? not to make fun but her bottom lip seems long...

and i would just continue in my head for hours.
i loved to hold her. i was so tired but i didn't want them to take her. i didn't care that i didn't sleep for days.
leave it to me to pass up free baby sitting.

now home to the brand new nursery :)

Who are you to tell me i cant see my Daughter?

Recovery room Feb 10th 8:30am:

I wake up alone and am in a lot of pain. the nurse comes over and doses me up and tells me to sleep. i ask her where my baby is and why she is not with me as promised. the nurse tells me she had a fever and is in in the NICU and that they will wheel me down to see her after i rest. They bring me up to my room and i ask a nurse about my baby. she tells me along with the fever she had respiratory distress from the anesthesia from the c-section and she is being monitored now until her fever breaks. i try to sleep but all i can think about is my baby and how i deprived that moment when they place your baby in your arms for the first time after birth and you are the first one they see. i didn't get to bond with my baby and now other hands are all over her. and worse she is now in the NICU from a surgery i didn't even want! so no sleep for me. i rested and did what i was told. i called the nurses desk and asked then to let me know when her fever broke and she was better, and i stopped my pain meds drip so that i could be alert when i saw her... pain or not. and hour later i got the call that she was all ok. half hour after that i wasn't feeling the drugs anymore and i wanted to go see my baby. i called the nurse to take me... and i waited... 45min later i called again and waited more. half hour later i called and demanded that i not be ignored anymore and that they are keeping my baby from me for no reason. i was told someone would be in to see me. the nurse comes in with a picture of my baby and tells me that they cant bring her up because she has not been released from the NICU yet. i told her that i got a call that she was ok. the nurse tells me that until she is discharged from the NICU they cant move her and that can take hours. so i tell her to wheel me down there to see her... i don't care if she cant come to me. they say that my bed wont fit through the NICO door and a wheel chair would cause me too much pain. but i didn't care about pain... i wanted to feed my baby. i told her i was ok with it and to bring me down. she tells me she will ask about it. WTF i was promised she would be in my room... then i was promised i would be wheeled down to her... i have waited over 4 hours and haven't even got to see her! more nurses come in giving me the same story over and over. i simply say this: "either bring me to my baby, or bring her to me. but not seeing her is not an option". the nurse then tells me that they are going to bring her up to newborn nursery and then they can bring her to me. i agree and wait some more. then the NICU doctor come up to tell me that i cant see her because she had a fever etc. i asked why i was told she was ok and got a call and that i was told she was being transferred. he gets angry that i talked back to him and he goes on to repeat him self in a dominating tone. now hysterically crying after 5 hours of not seeing her i tell him i just want to see her feed her hold her. take me to her if she isn't leaving right away. he then yells at me that if I'm just going to talk through him that he is going to call DCF on me! and he storms out. all the nurses jaws that where in the room dropped. how could he talk to me like that. all i was doing was begging to see my baby. what was they problem??? how could you call child services on me? how can i abuse or neglect my child that i haven't even met? the nurse then tells me it may take all day to get her transfer due to paperwork. i asked them why i have to wait to feed her just because of paper work? how is this right? she is fine and ready. I'm in pain waiting so that I'm alert. I'm willing to be in pain and go to her!! give me my baby!!! well now the nurse comes back and says that the order to move her to the newborn nursery has been cancelled and she is staying in the NICU. at that point i demanded to know what part of her health changed that caused them to need to keep her there? what changed in the last 5min? whats wrong with her?!!! of course they had no answer so the order was changed back and a worker with the hospital came in to tell me i have to wait until the evening for the orders to go through and to calm down. i told her about the jerk chauvinistic doctor and how he treated me and went through the story with her... and by the end of it she was siding with me. all the nurses on the floor had been in my room and where trying to get and answer for me. all of them were appalled at how i was treated by that Dr. i demanded to speak with the patient advocate and i put in a report on the Dr. meanwhile the sweet nurses where making things happen. they finally speed thing up and got her transferred and at 11:30am i got to hold my baby..

Epidural now please?

ok so my whole pregnancy I'm set on no patocin. just want an epidural but after i know what labor feels like... well next go around... i was it all as soon as a walk in the door.

as all mothers know... labor sucks! i waited for drugs and as the contractions got worse i was ready. unfortunately for me... the one anesthesiologist that worked that evening was in a c-section and couldn't get to me. so i waited for hours... all they could give me where drugs that i didn't want but had to settle for... and they just got me silly stupid and sleepy. so basically i say something dumb and funny then start to dose off and get shocked awake by horrible pain. it got to the point where i was screaming so bad the nurses couldn't get a clear reading of my baby's heart and the wanted to put a pin in her head. Oh Hells No! don't think they liked me much... hehe. so finally i get my epidural. they tell me to lay flat for 2omn to let it kick in. HELLO!! contractions hurts 10 times worse on your back. i lay there screaming in pain that is so bad you would have though i was having a limb cut off. don't know how many nurses where hovering over me trying to tell me to calm down and telling me they were putting the pin in her had to read her sign... i told them not to touch me or my baby and they were all over my face with lights in my eyes and all the pain i was in and all i could think was Alien Autopsy.

Finally after about half an hour one leg was numb. the epidural didn't really work how its meant to because it was done wrong. thing is it can only be done once. so they dose me again and role me over. it took away about 75% of the pain so that helped... but it took away the strength of my contractions and with me not wanting patosin it took a lot longer to get where i needed to be.

Feb 10th 4am: Time to push

My Dr who had not shown up until that moment walks in and without saying anything to me demands her chair. Without saying "hi" "how are you feeling" are you excited" nothing! she sits down and the nurse sets me up and tells me to push. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 breath. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 breath... 2 hours later with no progress for the last hour and a half I'm pushes into an unwanted c-section. they promise me the baby will be there to see me when i wake up. of course with the epidural not working right they have to knock me out leaving my very worried mother in the hall. I heard my Dr telling the nurse my mother told her she hated her for not letting her in. Oh the Drama. the anesthesiologist puts a mask on my face and tells me to breath... meanwhile there is no oxygen coming out and I'm suffocating. i wave my hand to tell them to let me breath and they strap me down and tell me there is oxygen coming out. "Um no there's not" next thing i know i wake up in the recovery room alone... where's my baby?

That nurse needs to go back to school

labor and delivery: Feb 9th 12 noon.

Nurse: i have to check you to make sure your water really broke.

Me: would you like to see my pants? its not pee...

Nurse: we just have to check your fluid to make sure.

Me: what ever you need

so this nurse swabs my girl parts and comes back to tell me it wasn't amniotic fluid and she wants to test me for bacterial vaginosis...

Me: um... its my water... want me to stand up and show u how much gushes out?

Nurse: vagiosis sometimes has allot of discharge.

Me: not this much!

Nurse: yeah it can.

so i let her test me to humor her... god... what a dim wit this chick is. how long had she been doing this job? this was the first time I've been in a situation like this a i know what it is... and here this chick is telling me to go home. Ha!

Nurse: its not vagiosis

Me: i know

Nurse: let me check you again

Me: ok.........................

Nurse: its not showing fluid.

Me: well what else is it now?

this chick is amazing... really... how did she pass nursing school?

Nurse: let me call the Dr

Me: ok but I'm not leaving.

she leaves and comes back to test me again.

Nurse: ok its blue this time

Me: and that means... my water broke??

Nurse: yeah its for sure this time.

Me: its about damn time.

she leaves and comes back after calling my Dr to tell her.

Nurse: did you feel that?

Me: what?

Nurse: you just had a contraction.

Me: no... but if that's it... I'm lucky

Nurse: :) we think you should start walking for 30 min before we move you.

and the pain begins....

Did my water just break?

So i had to change my OBGYN to deliver at another hospital just to make sure my baby girl had all the special care she needed. My new Dr was lets just say... gruff. that didn't matter though... as long as my baby got here safe. My doctor wanted me to take leave from work for 6 weeks until the baby was born because i was suffering from bad Edema and the swelling on top of the screws i had in my leg was causing so much pain i thought i was going to die... not kidding. My due date was approaching and the count down had begun. 5 days left. 4 days left. 3, 2, 1, 0, late... ok really WTF... late? I, already overweight gained a total of 56lbs through out my pregnancy and was ready for her to come out! so the Internet search was on. i read that walking helps but with my Edema turning my legs into tree trunks it wasn't really working out. i also heard about trying eggplant Parmesan so on my due date (Feb 7th 2011) that's exactly what i did. Feb 9th was my high risk appt. i went early to get some walking down at the mall across the street from the hospital. My mother and i walked out of the car and into Bed Bath & Beyond and i had to pee. when i was done peeing a little bit more came out. i didn't think anything of it and left the bathroom to walk around. my mother finds me and as she is talking to me walking towards me... i swear i peed... just a little bit. apparently i made a face because my mother laughed and said "what? did your water break or something?" as she said that i felt another small gush. i look down at my wet spot on my pants and said "i think so" another small gush... "i know so" so back to the bathroom before the trip across the street to the hospital. Baby's coming :)

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

Escaping a Domestic Violence situation i found myself pregnant broke and alone. it was one of the worst situations i could find myself in and all i could do was cry. i cried all day wondering where he was, if he was out of jail, if he knew i was pregnant??? i cried all night... waking from nightmares of him coming back for me. i was so scared. and now a baby. a little life part of me and part of him. what would he do if he found out? would he hurt me? take the baby in the night? kill me like those horror stories in the news? would he try for rights and get to visit it? what if he snapped on a visit and hurt it? what if i never got my baby back? do i want this baby?

of course i could never get rid of my own child. this is my baby. this baby is going to be the love of my life. i could never have an abortion or give this baby up. i made up my mind with no question. but i still couldn't stop crying.

when i went to the doctor to be tested they put me on Zoloft. they told me that stress like this would hurt me and the baby. they said this will stop the tears and the ache. they promised me hope... and in time... i felt better. i felt nothing. no emotion at all. i had no opinion, no emotion, no connection to my child, nothing. i knew it wasn't the best situation... but it was better then the fear i live in. and after all... its safe to take during pregnancy right? my doctor said so... of course with numb feeling on the matter i just had to trust it. maybe that was a mistake...

at my 18 week check up to find out the sex of my baby and a full check to make sure all is well in baby land... i was excited to hear the happy news... hoping that this would be that emotional connection i was waiting for. when the sonogram way over i was told to wait in a room to consult with the doctor. when he came in he told me that i had a healthy baby girl growing inside me ( as i had thought) but that he "thinks" he sees a cleft lip but that they didn't get a good picture of her face. he wanted me to follow up in a month to be sure. WHAT? A CLEFT LIP? AND YOU'RE NOT SURE?!!! well of course this doctor was just an idiot... he just wanted more money for another visit... i was not going back to him. so i changed high risk doctors and at 26weeks it was confirmed... not just a Cleft lip... but a bilateral cleft lip and palate. well that was it... the news that brought the tears back and gave me that emotional connection. i had grown up being different and cast out as the coodie girl as a child... and now my daughter was going to have to go through it wearing her disability on her face...

so that day i go pick up my refill at the pharmacy and the guy says to me " did you know this drug causes birth defects?" WHAT? YOU TELL ME THIS NOW? AFTER ALL THIS TIME?!!! so i cried... and i stopped the medication. and i cried more. and then i accepted it. this is my baby and it will all be ok.