less then 2 days...

all the pre op appointments are done... now its just time to try and enjoy our weekend before surgery Monday. gotta be up at 3am!! fun fun. I'm so sad and scared about it all. i know she needs it and its for the best... but as a mom i just hate that her beautiful face is changing. it seems silly and Ive read about this happening before... i just have to be strong. prayers needed :)

Fear & Bad Dreams

less then a week now until Danika's first surgery. i have to say I'm nervous. Ive never been so scared before. the only thing that I'm more scared of then her surgery god forbid taking her from me... is her father taking her from me. i fear for both of our lives everyday with that man free. the dreams don't stop. he kills me differently in each dream... maybe it my subconscious way of planning for any attack. i always had thought i knew how to defend myself until the day i couldn't. the feeling of helpless panic isn't something id wish on anyone. ill never forget it. he writes me emails all the time even though i have a lifetime restraining order, and i never respond. he tries to be sweet. the man who wanted kids so badly that he tried and got me pregnant without consulting me on it. he new before i knew. and when his hidden life started to come out... what did he do? attack me, beat me, corner me with a knife. he already has a warrant out from it. at this point there is nothing stopping him from just coming for us and everyone will hear about that poor mother and child found dead somewhere. this is what i think about all the time. all the news i used to watch and how i stopped watching because of how much it depressed me... and any day it could be me. sometimes i think about the possibility of him really changing and being reformed. he says he has been clean of all drugs and alcohol and that he is a new man... can that happen? can you really change? i just think about men who cheat and the saying "once a cheater always a cheater"... to me i don't think he can change. i don't see a change. he was always a sweet man, a smooth talker, said and did everything i wanted him to, i thought he was "the one"... all the time he was hiding who he was from me. showing who he wanted me to see to get what he wanted. and then he snapped as anyone would when keeping up with so many lies. my daughter to spite all the bad surrounding her being brought into this world... she is still the best thing that ever happened to me. i never knew this kind of love before. i cant bare the idea of her having to see him. we have court coming up who knows when. and I'm hopeful that if he gets any rights it will just be court house visits. but the idea of involving such a dangerous man in her life and forcing her to go to visits... i will if i have to but I'm praying for no contact. i don't want her to know what he did to me... i don't want her to fear her father... but i cant put her in danger. my mind races with fear all the time. god protect us. i feel so helpless. and now she has to go under the knife and there's yet another way for me to lose her. fear of losing a child is the worst feeling in the world let me tell ya. i just have to tell myself it will all be ok.

to lighten the mood here are some cute pictures of my beautiful 5 month old:

watching the Backyardigains

 mommy time :) in the mirror

Its Time...

The other day i took Danika into walmart. 10 feet into the place i get malled by these 2 girls with birthday award pins on their shirts. they climb on the cart and tell me how much they love babies and asking me to move the blanket so they can see her face. i moved it and told them she had a cleft and that she was not in any pain and that it would be fixed soon... and do you know what this little girl said to me? she took the 3 dollars off of her birthday pin and told me she got this money for her birthday but she wanted me to have it to help pay for her surgery. i swear i almost cried. she told me she would help with a benefit. i told her everything was fine and that we had an agency to do it for free. this little girl continued to tell me about how they love to help others., and i just was awed at these amazing little girls...

with that said... surgery is now planned. 13days and counting. I'm already nervous. god forbid anything was to happen to her. id fall apart. but this is good... she needs this. everything will be ok. i have faith. i just want it to be over already. i feel like I'm living in a book and I'm turning the pages biting my nails tears in my eyes just waiting for the happy ending. but that's the problem with life... its on going and you never know when the pain will be over... maybe soon maybe never... all i know for now is that things are looking up... and i am grateful.

my niece Haedyn came over today... she couldn't wait to hold Danika. now of course an 18month old cant hold a 5 month old... so i sat them together on the couch. i swear its the cutest thing... they love each other.

5 months old :)

so have i sad i love my baby??? cuz i do... god how much i love her. she is just so damn cute... and getting cuter by the day. she smiles all the time and loves everyone but me most of all... she now likes tummy time :) she is trying to crawl and she has fallen in love with a crinkly book and a pink puppy she saw while we were shopping... of course i bought it for her on the spot... that's what mommy's do after all :p  Also a friend and fellow cleft mom loaned me a bouncer and shes loving it.

Danika's now sleeping in her own room in her crib. its kinda sad because I'm used to having her with me all the time and when we moved at first it was so messy she was sleeping in my bed... (That's Right! I Said Moved!) the place we prayed for came through just as i knew it would. i have been through so much in my life and it took a long time and a lot of heart ache before i realized that there is always an answer and everything does happen for a reason. the house is really starting to come together. split floor plan for me and Dani to be in our own hall and my mother on the other side... its nice to be close to Dani without being the the same room. i have the closet I've wanted for a long time. i have money to get by (and slowly pay my credit off). and as soon as the house is clean... i can plan Danika's first surgery :D

Haedyn and Danika enjoying cousin time in our new backyard :)

will post picture of the rooms as they slowly come together in future blogs.

on another note... Danika's rash on her cheek doesn't go away. tired all types of creams. finally my mother googles it and it seems to be ringworm. so i took her to the Dr today and they gave her a cream for it and for eczema. i hope something works. she is also loosing her hair on the sides and she got this mohawk thing going on. i could always gel it and put her in a "party in my crib" shirt. would be bad ass.... dude.

Ha... i just pictured that.

alrighty... its time for bed... Danika already has a 2 hour head start on me.