Fear & Bad Dreams

less then a week now until Danika's first surgery. i have to say I'm nervous. Ive never been so scared before. the only thing that I'm more scared of then her surgery god forbid taking her from me... is her father taking her from me. i fear for both of our lives everyday with that man free. the dreams don't stop. he kills me differently in each dream... maybe it my subconscious way of planning for any attack. i always had thought i knew how to defend myself until the day i couldn't. the feeling of helpless panic isn't something id wish on anyone. ill never forget it. he writes me emails all the time even though i have a lifetime restraining order, and i never respond. he tries to be sweet. the man who wanted kids so badly that he tried and got me pregnant without consulting me on it. he new before i knew. and when his hidden life started to come out... what did he do? attack me, beat me, corner me with a knife. he already has a warrant out from it. at this point there is nothing stopping him from just coming for us and everyone will hear about that poor mother and child found dead somewhere. this is what i think about all the time. all the news i used to watch and how i stopped watching because of how much it depressed me... and any day it could be me. sometimes i think about the possibility of him really changing and being reformed. he says he has been clean of all drugs and alcohol and that he is a new man... can that happen? can you really change? i just think about men who cheat and the saying "once a cheater always a cheater"... to me i don't think he can change. i don't see a change. he was always a sweet man, a smooth talker, said and did everything i wanted him to, i thought he was "the one"... all the time he was hiding who he was from me. showing who he wanted me to see to get what he wanted. and then he snapped as anyone would when keeping up with so many lies. my daughter to spite all the bad surrounding her being brought into this world... she is still the best thing that ever happened to me. i never knew this kind of love before. i cant bare the idea of her having to see him. we have court coming up who knows when. and I'm hopeful that if he gets any rights it will just be court house visits. but the idea of involving such a dangerous man in her life and forcing her to go to visits... i will if i have to but I'm praying for no contact. i don't want her to know what he did to me... i don't want her to fear her father... but i cant put her in danger. my mind races with fear all the time. god protect us. i feel so helpless. and now she has to go under the knife and there's yet another way for me to lose her. fear of losing a child is the worst feeling in the world let me tell ya. i just have to tell myself it will all be ok.

to lighten the mood here are some cute pictures of my beautiful 5 month old:

watching the Backyardigains

 mommy time :) in the mirror