Hope for all of us

I didn't know anything about Clefts before I was pregnant with Dani. when I found out at 18 weeks pregnant that I could have a cleft child I was so upset and hopeless. Wondered what I did wrong and if my genetics were to blame. I sought out answers online only to find... there are none. There is no sure answer as to why our baby's are born cleft. There was nothing I or anyone else could do to fix this, to change what I feared... and I later found out that it isn't something that needs to be changed. My daughter is not and has never been broken. She is the biggest blessing of my life and God knew to give the right baby to the right mommy. Each one of us Cleft Mommy's are blessed with not only little angels... but with a life lesson that not all parents are blessed enough to have. Struggles in life are not here to harm us... but to teach us. To make each one of us stronger and to teach what no school can. Being different isn't a curse but an opportunity to be special. To overcome the obstacles and stand out in the crowd as a star to shine through it all. Those who have never seen a Cleft child look at Dani with fear. Fear of the unknown can consume closed minded people... but for those with an open mind... they look at her and see hope... not just for Dani to triumph over her struggles and still come out smiling as she always does... but hope that if she can do it... if she can overcome this at such a young age... maybe we as adults can overcome our issues, both big and small.  I wasn't the only person to learn from Dani.... I was merely the first.

Spoiled Child

I'm realizing that my OCD has fixated its self on spoiling my daughter. no joke. every cent i make i turn it around and get her something... whatever isn't spent on bills that is. its come to the point that i have no idea what id do for her birthday next year since she already has everything. kinda takes the specialness out of holidays :/ i mean it normally doesn't cost anything since I've started selling toys online... i just get rid of the old and upgrade with new, and sometimes just buy things to sell them with the intent of getting her something expensive. its been working well so far... aside from having way to many toys... but it would be nice to have a profit... or do something for myself... is it weird that i want her to have everything? maybe subconsciously I'm compensation for the lack of a father or maybe to distract from the struggles she had endured so young... remember how i felt as a child... the depressions and the comfort i found in my toys (barbies were the best) oh how i cant wait for her to get into barbies!!  in a way i am doing it for myself ... because i enjoy it and it makes me feel good that she enjoys things. i mean i used to hate Dora the Explorer!! i mean hate with a passion.. such an annoying show... well not anymore! Dora is Danika's favorite!! and if she loves her so do i... we have 2 Dora kitchens and 6 Dora dollhouses by the way... yeah i already know... i don't need to hear it... I'm nuts. but as soon as i have a car up and running here in the next few weeks... i will be unloading a LOT online... just hard to sell out of state with no way to get to the post office :) anyway... like i said.. my OCD is getting to me and it even keeps me up at night. recently bought a kitchen set i thought was amazing!!!

got it from Dinodirect.com... DON'T EVER BUY FROM THEM!!!! OMG it was the size of a box of tampons! i use that reference to show just how disgusted i am at them! still fighting for a refund... thank the LORD they only shipped half of it or id really be out a lot! NEVER AGAIN will i order anything from another country! but it has honestly made me depressed. i feel i have let this toy fixation consume me through cabin fever... and its time to get out of not only my house... but my head!! so thanks to my handy credit card points Ive been saving for 5 years!!! Danika and i will finally get to have a vacation.... booked the flight ( had to before she turned 2yrs old... no way in  hell I'm buying a 2nd ticket for her) wont get another vacation for a long time so going to make the most of it anyway i can. Oh i cant wait!! 2 weeks in the mountains with crisp air vs this nasty humidity! not only that but i get to see one of my best friends and have some much needed girl time... and i cant buy toys since the airline is super strict about weight limits on bags and I'm not paying the overweight fee! ... i sense a joke somewhere in that sentence but ill move on :) lol. the point of my ramble is really just because I'm noticing Danika throwing more tantrums... I'm aware its the age... but she doesn't like being told no AT ALL... i say "no ma'am"  she says NO and precedes to bang her head into the wall or the tile! I'm really worried about it. it started with her just slapping herself in the head but now its moved past that! i don't know where on earth she gets it from. with each bang of the head she says ouch over and over and does the bottom lip quiver and turns beat red and screams her words violently. her Biological father is bi-polar and i worry sometimes it may have been passed on. she has always been such a happy care free child. always smiling... and still is but the second you say NO... oh man! just spent 5 hours building the replacement kitchen set i had to get her after China f'd up...

it came out super cute and she loves it!!! but i almost lost my mind between the time spent building this thing and the interruptions i had from her trying to play with it as i was building it. id say NO and she'd scream, head bang, hit me, hit herself, step on my feet, pinch me, climb on me to keep me from doing what i was doing... and then steal my cell phone! ha this kid is something else. i don't know where most of this comes from... i mean she bites me for fun... but she also wants me to bite her! lol... little freak of mine. and i know she got the ouch from me... every time she hurts me which tends to be daily i say Ouch" don't hurt mommy... and she then starts the lip quiver and begins to punish herself.  is it too early for a mental health plan? God i love this kid! even though shes a nut like her momma! alrighty... time for bed... I'm wore out... maybe ill dream of vacation instead of toys :) hears hoping**