long day

today and every other day this week have just been crazy. my mother calls it mercury in retrograde. i think chaos is the the word. but non the less we took a drive to see my sisters new place today. was told we had to get her a vacuum and then when we got there it turned into a mall event... now i know most ladies go nut's on that but I'm just not that chick. I'm more like the husband in the only chair waiting for it to be over so they have a beer and kick back on the couch. metaphorically speaking of course. and putting it lightly i didn't want to be at the mall. but there we all were. mom chasing Haedyn around the store while Chelsea try's on cloths and I'm sitting in the shoe section singing "the artist formally known as prince: Kiss" to the radio to keep danika smiling =)

Any who,

back at Chelseas place feeding the kids and she just tooks some great pictures. i wanted to share.

they grow so fast.

so i have to say... Danika is a trooper. she is just taking this all so well. she has to wear arm braces called "nonos" . sorry... just think that words kinda funny:p and her arms are straight all the time and id expect her to cry and fuss but she is just so ok with it all. once in a while she bumps her lip and cry for a min but then everything is fine. she is becoming more routine with her feedings and predictable naps. she is eating more then ever and in a healthy 60th percentile for weight and 95th percentile for height. god has really answered allot of prayers out there for her recovery. to spite it all and how bad things could have gone she is blessed and thriving. every day she changes so much and if you blink you miss something. its funny because I'm so drained from adjusting to this new day schedule and watching her to make sure shes not trying to chew on anything... and i spend all day wanting her to fall asleep so i can nap. but then she she finally does sleep... i find myself missing her. of course i never get to nap... its ok though... in an odd way the lack of sleep is motivating me. i wake up at the same time every day without an alarm and have just enough time to wash and get her bottle ready before she wakes up. well a syringe is what they gave us to feed her... man they really suck. i had to push with 2 hands to get it to budge and when i tried to move it when it was stuck i ended up shooting it so hard onto the ceiling it rained milk for about 5 min... solution: turkey baster with a soft sip tip from the syringe. down side: crying baby when u have to refill every 1/2 ounce. but it is what it is.

shes also starting to really bounce in her bouncer. she has a blast. in ways.... the arm bands have her exploring things is a different way. even when i take of the bands to let her stretch she still likes to keep them straight because she sees its more precise. its so amazing to be there with a new life as she learns the simplest things for the first time. nothing could ever replace a feeling like that. i understand why women give up so much of themselves to be mothers. its just the best :) she blows bubbles and sucks her lip at everyone. she smiles all the time. never seen such a happy kid.

back flips are not fun for Mommy's. i don't know what it is with infants but they all go through the back flip stage. my niece did it all the time of couches and beds. she thinks its funny... but ill tell u right now its not to fun being the one on back flip watch. I'm happy to say she seems to have grown out of it as of a couple months ago. but now Danika's picked up on it. cant leave her alone on anything and have to swaddle her to sleep. i wish she could have tummy time... it would have her crawling rather then flipping.

find out more about her recovery and next surgery when we go to the surgeon in a few days. it looks good but it seems like the last stitch was a loose one because with the first scab falling off it showed an unclosed part on her lip. the rest looks good but I'm not sure how they will fix it. as for her brow she has a scar. I'm pretty pissed about that. I'm even more pissed I'm being forced to bite my tongue about it for the pro bono Dr. I'm doing what i have to... but i don't like the spot I'm in. this is my kid... its not your kids... its my kid. you don't gash her eyebrow for no reason!   Ok sorry just saying. i know I'm right. just saying.

the house is coming together also. still messy... but allot better and got new cabinets for the kitchen and new movie storage for the living room. its all coming together. Danika's room is just about done and were are figuring out what fits her at this awkward 6month growth spurt.

I'm going to end today's blog on a crude note. Danika has be bound up for a couple days since she tried oatmeal. she has been pushing all the time and makes the funniest faces I've ever seen. i try so hard to be serious because i know it hurts her and she wants mommy back rubs. but these faces... my god... i almost peed it was so funny. her eyes bug out she scrunches her nose, her tongue sticks out to the side as her lower lip tightens and veers off with it. her eyebrows raise all the way up and she turns beat red making grunts. ... shes gonna hate me for this one day.. ha

my brave little girl

after 2 hours of sleep we got up at 3am to get ready for surgery. hospital by 6am for check in... and 8am she goes in. i swear Ive never seen her in such a great mood... i was expecting a cranky baby with not enough sleep and nothing in her belly... but no... she was the sweetest thing. she just kept smiling :) all i could think about was how much I'd miss her smile. how much pain she would be in and how long it would be before she smiled again... 11am out of surgery doing well

and then... 5 hours of non-stop screaming in agony. every time they would double up her morphine and shoot her up over and over she would scream louder. I'm holding her trying to calm her on verge of a panic attack from no sleep, constant worry, and now my baby is hurting and the nurses couldn't think of anything that would help... finally 5 hours after surgery they bother to check her IV hours after stating "this isn't normally what its like" and long behold her IV was in her muscle and all the drugs where not only not going into her blood and giving her release... but it was burning every time they injected her making it worse. excuse my language... but i never want those fucking people touching my kid again. bad part is i have no choice because she still has at least one more surgery and it has to be done at that hospital. i hate that hospital. they took my confidential information about my ex attacking me and used it to call child protective services on me before i ever got to meet my daughter... and sure enough they did it again this time because i almost had a panic attack and let my mother hold her while i went on a lunch break breather.... um excuse me??? but isn't that the responsible thing to do?? the patient advocate sure agreed with me when i put in a formal complaint with the hospital admin... now for the 2nd time. and while i have to say the surgeon did a wonderful job on her lip... he came out telling me there is tape on her head because he had to lean on her face to keep from slipping and bruised her head and the tape keeps the bruise from spreading... has anyone ever heard of that before? google sure hasn't because when we questioned it and he told us we don't know because we we aren't Dr's and that he has been one for 47 yrs and that is that... well we google it and found nothing. sure enough its not a bruise but a gash just under her brow and in my non-doctor opinion it looks like a sharp tool was dropped on her head almost blinding her. maybe I'm being an over-protective mother... but i don't think so. but he made it very clear that he is pro-bono and we're lucky. OK I'm going to move on before i get upset... here is Danika's after surgery pic...

i just love this kid so much. she is doing so great. one day out of surgery and we get an early release and she's home bouncing in her bouncer to her cartoons as if nothing had ever happened. she is getting better with eating and sleeps about 4-6 hours at a time which is better then expected. at this point ive become used to 6 hours sleep a day anyway so its all good :) im just so happy shes ok. and the best part... she still has her bright smile :D

less then 2 days...

all the pre op appointments are done... now its just time to try and enjoy our weekend before surgery Monday. gotta be up at 3am!! fun fun. I'm so sad and scared about it all. i know she needs it and its for the best... but as a mom i just hate that her beautiful face is changing. it seems silly and Ive read about this happening before... i just have to be strong. prayers needed :)

Fear & Bad Dreams

less then a week now until Danika's first surgery. i have to say I'm nervous. Ive never been so scared before. the only thing that I'm more scared of then her surgery god forbid taking her from me... is her father taking her from me. i fear for both of our lives everyday with that man free. the dreams don't stop. he kills me differently in each dream... maybe it my subconscious way of planning for any attack. i always had thought i knew how to defend myself until the day i couldn't. the feeling of helpless panic isn't something id wish on anyone. ill never forget it. he writes me emails all the time even though i have a lifetime restraining order, and i never respond. he tries to be sweet. the man who wanted kids so badly that he tried and got me pregnant without consulting me on it. he new before i knew. and when his hidden life started to come out... what did he do? attack me, beat me, corner me with a knife. he already has a warrant out from it. at this point there is nothing stopping him from just coming for us and everyone will hear about that poor mother and child found dead somewhere. this is what i think about all the time. all the news i used to watch and how i stopped watching because of how much it depressed me... and any day it could be me. sometimes i think about the possibility of him really changing and being reformed. he says he has been clean of all drugs and alcohol and that he is a new man... can that happen? can you really change? i just think about men who cheat and the saying "once a cheater always a cheater"... to me i don't think he can change. i don't see a change. he was always a sweet man, a smooth talker, said and did everything i wanted him to, i thought he was "the one"... all the time he was hiding who he was from me. showing who he wanted me to see to get what he wanted. and then he snapped as anyone would when keeping up with so many lies. my daughter to spite all the bad surrounding her being brought into this world... she is still the best thing that ever happened to me. i never knew this kind of love before. i cant bare the idea of her having to see him. we have court coming up who knows when. and I'm hopeful that if he gets any rights it will just be court house visits. but the idea of involving such a dangerous man in her life and forcing her to go to visits... i will if i have to but I'm praying for no contact. i don't want her to know what he did to me... i don't want her to fear her father... but i cant put her in danger. my mind races with fear all the time. god protect us. i feel so helpless. and now she has to go under the knife and there's yet another way for me to lose her. fear of losing a child is the worst feeling in the world let me tell ya. i just have to tell myself it will all be ok.

to lighten the mood here are some cute pictures of my beautiful 5 month old:

watching the Backyardigains

 mommy time :) in the mirror

Its Time...

The other day i took Danika into walmart. 10 feet into the place i get malled by these 2 girls with birthday award pins on their shirts. they climb on the cart and tell me how much they love babies and asking me to move the blanket so they can see her face. i moved it and told them she had a cleft and that she was not in any pain and that it would be fixed soon... and do you know what this little girl said to me? she took the 3 dollars off of her birthday pin and told me she got this money for her birthday but she wanted me to have it to help pay for her surgery. i swear i almost cried. she told me she would help with a benefit. i told her everything was fine and that we had an agency to do it for free. this little girl continued to tell me about how they love to help others., and i just was awed at these amazing little girls...

with that said... surgery is now planned. 13days and counting. I'm already nervous. god forbid anything was to happen to her. id fall apart. but this is good... she needs this. everything will be ok. i have faith. i just want it to be over already. i feel like I'm living in a book and I'm turning the pages biting my nails tears in my eyes just waiting for the happy ending. but that's the problem with life... its on going and you never know when the pain will be over... maybe soon maybe never... all i know for now is that things are looking up... and i am grateful.

my niece Haedyn came over today... she couldn't wait to hold Danika. now of course an 18month old cant hold a 5 month old... so i sat them together on the couch. i swear its the cutest thing... they love each other.

5 months old :)

so have i sad i love my baby??? cuz i do... god how much i love her. she is just so damn cute... and getting cuter by the day. she smiles all the time and loves everyone but me most of all... she now likes tummy time :) she is trying to crawl and she has fallen in love with a crinkly book and a pink puppy she saw while we were shopping... of course i bought it for her on the spot... that's what mommy's do after all :p  Also a friend and fellow cleft mom loaned me a bouncer and shes loving it.

Danika's now sleeping in her own room in her crib. its kinda sad because I'm used to having her with me all the time and when we moved at first it was so messy she was sleeping in my bed... (That's Right! I Said Moved!) the place we prayed for came through just as i knew it would. i have been through so much in my life and it took a long time and a lot of heart ache before i realized that there is always an answer and everything does happen for a reason. the house is really starting to come together. split floor plan for me and Dani to be in our own hall and my mother on the other side... its nice to be close to Dani without being the the same room. i have the closet I've wanted for a long time. i have money to get by (and slowly pay my credit off). and as soon as the house is clean... i can plan Danika's first surgery :D

Haedyn and Danika enjoying cousin time in our new backyard :)

will post picture of the rooms as they slowly come together in future blogs.

on another note... Danika's rash on her cheek doesn't go away. tired all types of creams. finally my mother googles it and it seems to be ringworm. so i took her to the Dr today and they gave her a cream for it and for eczema. i hope something works. she is also loosing her hair on the sides and she got this mohawk thing going on. i could always gel it and put her in a "party in my crib" shirt. would be bad ass.... dude.

Ha... i just pictured that.

alrighty... its time for bed... Danika already has a 2 hour head start on me.

Almost Home

NEWS!!!!

we found a home! haven't signed the papers yet... but we left a deposit and its held for us! oh I'm so happy.... the stress can now be over and Dani can finally schedule her first surgery :)

the down side: its almost an hour away from friends and family.

the up side: Everything else :)

there was a program we heard of last min that offers houses in the program to low income families for cheap rent. it was just too good to pass up... and my baby comes first. any time her surgery gets brought up i cant stop the tears.

other then that... Dani is such a smiley kid... she always makes me smile. we had Danika's 4 month check up and she is finally up to normal weight. it was a struggle for a while. with trying to breast feed and then settling for breast and bottle. I'm happy to say she is in the %50th weight and %95th height! she is thriving :) proud mommy moment.

prayers needed still... have yet to sign the lease... wish us luck

Rice Cereal ... mmm?

Screw stressing over life... its the weekend and Dani is 4 months old! God I'm so in love with this kid.

So you think feeding a baby is messy... ha... try feeding one with a cleft. it was a sight. her first meal of rice cereal and while there were moments of cuteness... i have to say... she hated it! lol it was still cute though. i think its more that it didn't say in her mouth. every time the spoon left her mouth she screamed and only a bottle made her happy at that point. guess we will work on it.

Other then that the only thing I've done today is go through her cloths. she still fits a lot of her 0-3month cloths and trying to work in the 3-6months is a pain in the butt... i mean we are trying to pack to move after all. but i don't really need all the cloths we have for her. its time to let go of things. its just hard to let go of such cute outfits. its sad how attached I've gotten to them. but i cant keep it all. just saving some for the next kid... a long time from now ;) wish me luck.

Dani also discovered toys recently. she really like her crinkly book and the toys we hang in her car seat... but the best was today when she saw my 25 yr old cuddle bear. she loves him! she was petting him and talking to him. OMG too cute. i really love being her mom.

God we need some hope.

we have been searching for a home for so long. we cant afford anything. we have already had to cancel Danika's first surgery because the Dr wont do it until we are settled into a clean stable home. i cant believe all of its happening all at once. I'm so tired of looking at these slum pits and having everything nice get taken up like candy with us falling to the bottom of the totem pole. we have applied for every H.U.D. program public housing and section 8... all of which are months of waiting. my unemployment finally came through but only because we had to write a letter to the senator. i really couldn't believe that worked. I'm for sure voting this Nov. Danika was denied SSD/SSI... don't ask why... there is no reason...and now i have to appeal. we just aren't making enough to live. if i find a job and find a place id lose the job when she had her surgery and i need to take off for 5 months to care for her. ending us right back where we started. but we aren't even that lucky. but today we may have found hope... there is a program that renovates homes and rents them cheap for low income families. they sound nice and are a good size. god i hope this is what we are searching for. i just want my baby to be able to have her surgery and have a clean home. i even emailed the owners begging them not to do this to us. they only cared about their own interests. their son and daughter in law are moving in here and while they are military and can rent anywhere they still found the need to kick a family out and deprive a baby girl of her chance to have her surgeries. soulless people.

on a lighter note... Dani is getting so freakin cute!
she is starting to babble and play with toys and chuckle every now and then. OMG i love this kid so much. no matter how sad life gets me... i just look at her and cant help but smile. to spite how hard thing have gotten by having a baby and putting e in this situation... i wouldn't change a thing. she has my heart.. and I'm the luckiest mommy in the world.